This article contains trigger: suicide
This is my story but it doesn’t have to be yours. If you see someone struggling, there are people that can help you. Also, if you are thinking about suicide, there are people that can help as well. You just need to remember that you are not alone.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is always open. A trained counselor is always available to talk to. You can visit their website by clicking here. Through their website, you are also able to chat online with one of the counselors.
You can also follow The National Suicide Prevention Hotline on Twitter to talk with others with the same experiences. The number to The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.
Do you know what they call the family members of people that commit suicide? Suicide Survivors. I don’t feel like I survived anything. I feel like the best part of me died along with him. However, I grew from a tragedy that threatened to destroy me.
My father struggled with bi-polar disorder and depression. There wasn’t a time in my life when I did not see my father’s mood change over the littlest thing or nothing at all.
After I moved out, he changed. He started to feel hopeless. He told me he felt like no one needed him anymore. I thought that it would help with my father if I moved back home. Unfortunately, it did not. He would no longer leave the house. He did not have much of an appetite and started drinking a lot. I felt like there was nothing I could do for him while he slowly gave up.
It seemed like a normal day. I was preparing to make dinner for my mom and me when my father came down the stairs. He asked me if I could go to my room to give him some time alone. I was in my room for forty-five minutes when I came down to an empty house.
In addition to looking for him, my mom and I called the police department. I knew what the police were going to say as soon as they arrived. When I came downstairs and he was not there I knew that he decided that he could not do it anymore.
On August 9th of 2005, my father decided that he was not strong enough to live anymore. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. I thought that I needed to take it on myself to be strong for my family.
Do you know the process of planning a funeral? The questions that they ask you that you don’t know the answers to? The struggle of honoring the wishes of the deceased. As a result of everything, it is an awful process.
For me, the funeral was the worst. The process of greeting people that had not seen him in years. The struggle of having to be nice to his family. Leaving with only a box of ashes.
After the funeral, people gathered at our home. For hours, I listened to people telling me their stories. Stories about a man that I did not know. I didn’t want to be around anyone and I didn’t want to talk about him.
I was mad at him. He left me. Would people understand why I was mad? I understood that he was sick and that there was nothing that I could do to help him. Why did I need to make other people feel better? I didn’t know how to feel better myself.
I wanted to believe when people said they knew what I was going through. It was not the same to me. They still did not know how I felt. Furthermore, I did not believe that someone could understand what it was like to deal with the fact it was his choice to die.
My father didn’t just die, he decided that he didn’t want to live anymore. There was nothing physically wrong with him. He could have lived longer but he did not want to stay alive. That was a hard thing to deal with and I am still trying to figure how to move past it. I believe that I will and I fight every day not to let the anger I feel take over me
It has been eleven years since my father has committed suicide. There are still times when I am angry at him. I still carry him with me. My life will never be the same. However, I know now that my father deciding to take his own life does not define who I am.
As a reminder, the number to The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Trained counselors are available 24 hours a day. You call to talk to them about yourself. However, they would be able to talk about what to do if you suspect someone may harm themselves. Also remember that you are not alone.