So it goes like this…
Where will we meet? What will I be wearing that day? Will it be his favourite colour?
Is my hair going to look good enough? Would I have bothered to put makeup on or will it be one of those lazy days I go out on? Oh god, am I going to be wearing my heels that day? What if I’m really short when I’m next to him and- is he going to bend down to hug me? Will he compliment my shoes? What if he jokes about how our boots match? What am I going smell like? What’s he going to smell like? Will he wearing a hat or a beanie? Will I meet him during summer? Will he wear one of his band t-shirt or one of his plaid flannels with the buttons undone? Will I meet him in winter? Will he still refuse to wear a coat till it’s absolutely freezing and his mum will ring him up and tell him to bundle up? Will his hair be up or down?
How pink are his lips really going to be in real life? Will he really move his hands all around like he does when he speaks in interviews? Gesticulative. That’s the word. Will he keep touching his hair and pushing it back? Is he going to stare into my soul that way he seems to do with every other person he’s ever had a conversation with?
Will I catch him on a good day when he’s in a good mood? Is he going to be really cheeky and smirky and joke around?
What will he have for breakfast that day? Am I going to make him smile? Who else will be there when we meet? Who’s going to take our picture together if I don’t want a selfie? What if he doesn’t smile in the picture? What if I accidentally blink and my eyes are closed? Is he going to get annoyed if I ask for another picture? Is he going to remember me at all? What if I mess up when I go up to say ‘hi’? Wait- how am I even going to start our conversation? Will I wait for him to speak? What if my mouth goes dry?
Will he be with others at the time? Will I be interrupting an important thought he’ll be having?
Will I remember to say all the things I’ve been planning to tell him for years? Will I come off too loud? Will I come across too shy? Is he going to think I’m a dork? How’s he going to pronounce my name? Is he going to say it right? If he doesn’t, would I correct him? How long will I even have with him? Will he be in a hurry? What if I go on and on a bit too much? What will we even talk about?
Will I get a chance to compliment how gorgeous his voice is? Will I get to marvel over his incredible passion for all things good?
Will I get to tell him how much I love him enough times? Will I get to let him know that I’ve been in love with him for over 5 years and I’d never even met him before? Will I get to tell him how he saved me? Will I get to tell him all the cringy stuff I’ve had written in journals about him or will I play it off completely cool and collected?
Will he think I’m nice? Will he think I’m pretty? Will I ask for a hug and a kiss or will I- Will he rub my back when he hugs me and not let go till I do?
Most importantly, will he be how I’ve imagined him to be?
Listed above are just SOME of many many MANY questions that have encircled my mind over the last 5 years I’ve been in love with this man. Harry Styles. I’ve never met him, and I don’t know if I ever will.
Life as a labelled “fangirl” is hard when you’ve only ever seen the person you love through a mobile, computer or TV screen. People perceive your admiration, love and feelings towards that person as a joke. Something to tease you about. But that in no way should lessen your affection for that person than if you met them in real life.
This article’s for all the people out their who’ve never met their idols, crushes, whether you’re just a fan of their music, art, dance, their mere existence or head over heels, flats, wedged sandals for them.
Here’s to you.